Have you ever felt overwhelmed when things don't go as planned despite your best efforts to control the situation? This frustration often stems from a common misconception about control.

This feeling often arises when we believe we must control every aspect of a situation, and when things don't go as planned, it seems like nothing can be changed.

Think about this for a second.

Could control also be about letting go? Let's explore it.

Suppose you've tried relentlessly to solve a particular problem in the past and couldn't influence the outcome. I want to share a simple example: an experience a good friend of mine recently found themselves in; perhaps you can relate to it?

Despite multiple polite conversations with their neighbours about their children's ball games damaging the newly installed fence, they felt helpless as the issue persisted.

They felt they'd tried everything and were at a loss for what to do next.

In the UK, residents are typically responsible for maintaining one side of their property's fence. In our friend's case, they continually repaired a section of the fence even though they weren't technically responsible.

Although the neighbours were informed and aware of the ongoing costs and raised concerns, the fences continued to take a beating from the ball being aggressively kicked at them.

Here is a lesson we all must adopt.

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Goal: Maintain Control, Not Charge

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Often, in situations like this, we question who is in the right or wrong.

It's natural to feel justified in our actions.

But does insisting on our perspective mean others are necessarily wrong?

Perhaps there's a different way to view control that involves understanding rather than asserting dominance.

We know little about what others are experiencing.

Each of us is resourceful in our own mental capacity.

Should we take measures to improve individually? Absolutely!

Does that mean we have the right, however subtle, to 'point' at others who seemingly haven't yet the mental resources to understand? No.

So, how can we remain in control?

It's undoubtedly not by thinking, 'It's my way or the highway way'.

Placing someone else in a state of defence isn't a great strategy.

Control isn't about asserting dominance or micromanaging others. It's about maintaining the freedom to choose how we respond to situations.

This means keeping composure, which allows us to navigate challenges more effectively without stress.

Here's the secret.

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You Have A Choice

When emotions lead, that choice is often unconscious and impulsive.

Stephen Covey's 'Circle of Influence' is a powerful framework that helps us focus on what we can control. Concentrating on our actions and reactions rather than trying to control external factors can expand our influence and reduce stress.

When we're in a state of concern, as seen below, we're reactive. In this state, we're limiting ourselves to mental tools that might not be right for the job.

Our Influence/ Control diminishes as our concerns expand.

In an overwhelmed state of concern, how effective are we? Very little.

We shift into what I call a 'negative necessity mode'; it comes with expectations or obligations. In our friend's case:

• "Why don't they listen?"
• "Why do they keep hitting the ball on the fence?"
• "Why doesn't the landlord do anything?"
• "It's not our responsibility to fix that fence!"
• "Why do they have no consideration for others!"

Let's look at how we can make our concerns smaller and expand our control and influence:

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Here, we can shift into 'positive possibility mode':

• "How can we encourage them to listen more effectively?"
• "What steps can we take to communicate our needs to the landlord more clearly?"
• Can we foster a greater sense of collaboration among everyone?

Expand your level of control.

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Choose What Matters

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It's important to ask, "What do I really want?".

What initially materialised in our friend's case was:

• To make sure the fence isn't broken when they've paid for it
• To allow their children to roam worry-free in the garden
• To make others aware of their responsibility
• What else could be done to solve the problem

After further questioning, they realised peace of mind was most important to them.

With a shift to a positive possibility mode, we questioned:

"What could we do to help them improve their aim too?"

One solution was to help fix an additional layer of stronger wood on the fence so their children could continue playing ball games. Hitting the outer layer would protect the fence itself.

Think about the possibility here:

• The children can continue playing
• The fence has become stronger
• It empowers collaboration
• It promotes support towards each other
• It shows care and empathy

What this hasn't achieved is:

• Is the neighbour taking any accountability
• The refunding of any past payments
• Preventing future damage entirely

To our friends, peace of mind is worth the cost.

They remain in control of the situation.

Their gratitude for the shift in control was bittersweet.

[image - gift of a lemon alcoholic beverage]

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Summary

1. Control isn't dominance but the freedom to choose how to respond.
2. Expand your options by adopting a positive possibility mindset.
3. Remember, you always have a choice.

Is there something you can't overcome?

Exercise control.